The Vigil

 A hush has entered the house. Visitors are whispering as we talk in the living room. A few of us have sat with Hans at his bedside, basking in the reflective light of the sunset colored tulips that adorn his bedside table, casting off a gentle fragrance of peace and blessing. There two sides to Han's personality now. One is a docile and meek spirit. Every suggestion is met with an enthusiastic "OK, let's do it." Throughout the night and all day long  he emits a gentle wail as his soul mourns for the dying of its body. The second spirit is a playful spirit who is tickled with his new personality. He often wants to "chat." Though his conversation is laced with Scripture and proclamations in a semi-muddled way,  he laughs to say "Why- I have become such a talkative person. How strange is that?" He makes endless silly jokes and playfully accuses Olivia of stealing his cowbell. Then he sleeps and we hear nothing from him save the moans of his spirit. How gentle God designed the end of life for him. I am grateful.

A deep purple has descended over his entire head including huge circles around his eyes. The work of the radiation treatment. He prays every time he knows a visitor is coming. "Lord, help me to make sense to them and not to scare them with my face." He is not getting up to use the bathroom anymore. He understands the implications. In a whisper I hear him praying, "Prepare me for the end, dear Lord." 

Today I crawled in bed with him. He worked to put his arm around me to keep me from falling off. It was one of the few times I have cried...pain so full I thought my heart would burst. I felt Jesus pull me back from the edge. Never believe a widow-to-be that she is "OK." It's simply not true. 

My phone interview with our doctor is healing. She is willing to do whatever we want. She is firm and commanding yet gentle. She herself has cancer too. It is the plague of our land. How many have to die before Americans repent of their idolatrous ways. Pharaoh didn't have to endure so many thrashings from the Lord. But it was their hardness of hearts that kept them tied to the whipping post. 

I have nothing more to say. I am numb from caring. I am also hungry, not having eaten much in days. I can imagine how H. must feel, not having eaten in weeks. Patty comes in tonight, Jennifer on Sunday, and now we begin our most holy vigil.