Horizon and Smudge

There is a window in Hans' room overlooking a freshly mowed backyard. It is beautiful outside at 6AM. It is cool and green and reminds me so terribly of Cloudcroft and my beautiful state of Washington. I have the window open on the right side for the first time all year. Through the right pane I can see the view even clearer, for the window itself is caked with the white minerals of El Paso water. I had not noticed the smudge before since I automatically look at the horizon, past the smudge to the yard itself. But once the window is opened, I can see more perfectly. This is an analogy of the prophet and the apostle and how they work together. The apostle sees the horizon and the prophet sees the smudge in the immediate context. They can both "see" but they lack the sharpness that ensues when both of them attend to the same problem. 

Hans and I have been such a couple, horizon and smudge, that has been our calling. We are also reformers and people have misunderstood us because of that. We are never happy with the status quo, why? Because the Spirit of God is jealous for the glory of the Son and wants His glory seen as perfectly as we see the backyard when the smudge has been removed from the window. Giving light to disciples automatically makes them reformers as well. They will exhibit a sort of a "grope and crawl" dimension to their personalities. All reformers do this. What is wrong, what is wrong, they will constantly ask, like a premier chef trying to identify the unknown spice in a dish. He will not stop until he has solved the mystery. 

Neither one of us were like this when we first married. We were true missionaries, hearts on fire to spread the healing balm of Gilead. But seminary exposed us to "strange spices" and  the gifts of grope and crawl emerged within the belly of our ministry. Things were being said that were "strange" and coming from "professionals" and fellow Christians. A bonfire was lit within us. A prophet is not needed unless two things occur: one—a complacency sets in within the people of God—a coldness toward the reality of God's word where the commandments of God are no longer taken seriously and where there is no fear of God. The second is where heresy is occurring and the word is twisted and distorted for fame or profit. Those two usually go together. Heresy of any kind distorts God's personality and obscures the way of salvation. Hence it is very serious crime. 

But today the man with long view is dying. His last words indicate that he is still doing his job however. He constantly talks about the church, the need to disciple, the end times and the cautionary exhortation of a Father leaving his children behind. Clearly he is worried that the glory of the kingdom will be unrecognizable to the lost. I am sad. 

Today is Maundy Thursday. The word Maundy comes from the word "mandate" referring to the  commandment given at the last supper by Jesus. "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you." This  commandment followed the washing of their feet as an object lesson to explain the significance of his action. (John 13:34). 

People have been here all week washing our feet. I have been like Peter. Oh no, Lord, let me wash your feet. Jesus' answer was a hard saying, "If I do not wash your feet you have no part with me." We must not close ourselves off in our pain, though that is the human thing to do. Creatures do it. But we are not creatures. We are dependent souls who humble themselves in adoration of their Lord who gave us an example by which to live. It is not creaturely to do what He did for us. 

It is hard for me to have so much love poured upon me/us. I am also a servant and unaccustomed to being served. It does bring healing in some mystical way. We are all so emotionally drained that food brings the much needed solace we so desperately need. It is almost like the body brings food for the body to heal itself. They have also washed our feet with their tears. I don't know why the Holy Spirit has descended on us so much, I suppose it is because the death of his saints is precious in His eyes. 


But there is more today than the washing of the feet. There is abandonment, betrayal, violence and corruption perpetrated upon the Son of God, innocent one, and lover of humanity. His soul is exceedingly sorrowful. 

It is also the day in which my soul is exceedingly sorrowful even unto death. Every step I take is like walking in concrete shoes. My journey to Golgotha is barely beginning this day. My heart overflows with tears, more and more they escape my tight control. I had not thought death was such a cruel taskmaster. But he picks at me at every fiber of my being. I cannot do enough for Hans yet he barely knows who I am...the lack of oxygen has left him confused and dazed. 

Regrets are beginning to line up at the front door of my heart. I have not heard from God of late, though I know He is with us. I consider it a compliment, his silence, yet I am not in a mood to be flattered this eve. 

Now death seems real and imminent. Thursday possibly Friday. Happy day for Hans, sad one for us.  True to his own soul, Hans still has the long view...his eyes fixed upon the Kingdom of God while I behold the smudge.