It’s 9 PM Saturday evening, the house is quiet and I am eating grapes, apples, gouda cheese and crackers. It is a sublime snack. I am also alone. There have been no God moments today. Well that is not exactly true. I shopped today, for clothes, in black. It had to be done. The world is asplash with color, spring is jumping out at you in nature, the malls are filled with pastel bunnies and springtime bonnets and people are falling in love. I am shopping for black?
I have been happy for most of the day, but I realize that as soon as everyone leaves the house, dark shadows overtake me. I am grieving, I am kind of shocked by this. I am amazed how I can be lively and joyful one moment and fall into a black hole the next.
I also notice that we have bad days and good days. And that on all days, life goes on. The kids go to youth group, they eat out and they play games. The grass still grows and the garbage men come every Thursday morning. And so it is kind of strange. Hans has missed it all. He doesn’t care about the grass anymore, or the yard work. He used to nervously ask me every Wed. night if the kids took the garbage to the street. He doesn’t do that anymore.
He doesn’t care anymore. And why should he? He is bound for glory. You get that? Why should he take care of the wilderness anymore? He has better things to do. While he sleeps, he is deeply processing eternity, life, meaning. He is a member more of that community than this one. This is his appointed hour. He will soon be presented to the One who inhabited the central message of Han’s life. What is it to him if the geraniums have died, or the bees are back in the trees, and the hornets seem twice the size of last year?
He does care about me. Frequently, but less of late, he has asked me, “Are you ok?” What can I say? No, I am not ok. Please don’t go. Please come back, go don’t quite yet to the other side. I can’t bear to say the words, “I’ll miss you.” At the cemetery, we chanced upon a grave which said, “Beloved Father, we miss you.” Both Julianne and I stopped. It was if a single arrow had pierced both our hearts.
But I have good news. Tomorrow is Palm Sunday and a King passes into our hearts triumphantly and we sing Hosanna in the Highest. He will have the last word and the last laugh!
My dearest Judy, thank you for vulnerably revealing your raw and strained heart. Here lies the most refreshing and most living of words a person could write in a time such as this. They are a mountain breeze to my soul.
ReplyDeleteFor being my mentor, for being my guidance to wisdom, for being my counselor, for helping me in desperate times, for above all being my beloved friend, I thank you. From my deepness to yours... thank you.
I know our dad is near and so very pleased with you as His beloved child,faithful servant,lover, confidant, and treasured friend. Not only do the depths of my heart intercede for you-- amongst many others, but take comfort in knowing that the King of Kings and Lord of Lords is and has been interceding on your behalf day and night. Blessings my dear sister. May love--unfathomable to true human perception--saturate every fiber of your being! Let the waters of your beloved overcome you. He can be trusted.Te amo!
a sister forever,
LS
I have found it a truth that love heals the human heart. The love of our Lord and the love of the Body can bring life when we so least expect or can even ask for it. Thank you for your very beautiful words that through the Spirit are given this element we all seek like water: Life.
ReplyDeleteI second what LS wrote!
ReplyDeleteBTW, being that today is Palm Sunday, maybe you could share a little message through your blog, on its importance, why we get to reflect on it yearly? You're such a good teacher and if you were in the pulpit today, I'd imagine such a message being spoken:)