I have been sad all day. The wind is blowing and the trip has finally caught up to us.
We are tired and sad. Because my energy is low I feel the hole in my heart for the first time in days. It feels like a dry socket, unable to heal. I am wondering how I can fill it. I am not afraid of it though...I know that something has been removed...and that I will be healed someday, it just sucks all the life out of me. My heart keeps trying to cover it up and fill it in with things, ideas, nebulous visits to the fridge, the internet, the red box. I can’t think of anything that will help me. Not even prayer helps me. When this happens I know that I need to find a different way to get through to God. His silence is an invitation to explore His mountain. But I am too tired. I can go hunting or I can lay down in the shade like a wounded animal and lick my wounds and wait for the morning.
Everything triggers me. Went to Walgreens and everything made fun of me. The shelves were lined with reminders of my companion. Tire gauges, Mucinex, portable toilets and Crest toothpaste. I browse the magazine section looking for something. I find nothing that engages my ravaged heart. I return home as sad and weary as I went. Inside I am wailing and I try to ignore the infant cries.
Looking in the mirror I see a watery, ghostly apparition. Make up smears and stained shirt...did I go out like that? I don’t know what to do except to talk to God and tell Him how deep the pain is. But if I do, I will cry and I don’t want to cry. It’s miserable. I can feel my roots creating roots...into the tree of Christ. It is painful. I expect Benjamin to do this having just had his heart broken too, but he is only 12. How can I expect him too?
I am not alive. I used to be. Dr. says that if the remaining spouse is going to die it usually happens 9-11 months after death. It sounds very attractive. I am scared however that I will end up in a different room from my companion and then have to spend eternity on another floor. I am deranged at the moment. What I really want is to feel normal again. I used to be so happy.
This is how widows get sometimes. Strange thoughts. Pain is a fearsome enemy.
One of my heroes of the faith is Naomi in Ruth. She was given a bitter cup but she was NOT bitter. She stayed true to the One who had given her that cup! Wow. May God give you such faith and grace in the midst of the pain. Blessings
ReplyDeleteDid I sound bitter? Not so. But I am lost in the thickets of the wilderness. Looking for the road again.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you will find it helpful or not but I'm going to send you the book I just read on grief. It was not necessarily the best written book and there were some things I didn't agree with, but it WAS helpful...especially towards the end. I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I feel as if I can cover up my pain by staying busy because I don't have a choice but to be busy but deep down the sadness and grief still rears its ugly head. For you I know it's very different - and deeper than I can even imagine. Making yourself stay busy and having no choice but to be busy are two very different things. Oh Judy, Mom, I am praying for Jesus to speak into the pain in your heart and that His words would bring life to your soul. Oh how He loves us...how He loves you. Let Him wrap you in those loving arms. My tears are shed for you tonight...I'm pleading with Jesus to bring comfort to your soul.
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