My Heart Has A Mind of it's Own!

Today is Wed. 7298 days to go. I am alone again. The office is empty and the house is quiet. It was always like that, but in the background I could hear the clicking of the computer. Hans at work—writing, dreaming, talking, working. His writings are everywhere. Today I am going to read them—messages of the end times and the preparation for them. It gripped him towards the end of his life. 

But I am not there today. I am deciding what to wear and what I'm doing. The kind of rest that people are suggesting is not an option. I am a thinking person.  Although spiritually I am in "the rest."  I am not striving to do anything,  I am striving to think. To think myself out of this mess. I feel like a bear in the net—huge but impotent. 

Yesterday was the hardest day ever. I cried all day long. My heart seized control of me and cancelled all the functions of my mind (reason, judgement, self control); and cried all day. My heart is broken. I cannot say anything in its defense. It just is. And grief leaks out little by little. I will not have the big cry. It's uncharacteristic of me. So it leaks out—without being triggered by anything, my heart just cries. My eyes were puffy and rainy all day. 

I found Hans' junk drawer yesterday. These were the things I hated. Odds and ends, stuff that cluttered the beauty of his office. I cried over the box. It mocked me. For now instead of disgust I felt loss, sadness, and grief. How can this really be happening? I still can't believe it. My heart knows the truth, but my mind is confused and pitiful. 

Maybe today will be different. We prayed again last night. Had to ask Jesus to help us. Surely we looked like the disciples on the road to Emmaus, downcast and hopeless. Or like the disciples before Pentecost. We prayed for a fresh wind of the Spirit to blow upon us. We have not served out our ten days yet in prayer. Nothing of the sort has come upon us yet. 

I am leaning toward a prayer center—a place we can reflect the brilliant light of the Gospel. But right now all I can reflect is the shadowlands of Sheol.