Day One Has Ended

The last of my children left yesterday. As soon as they debarked the car, the energy left with them. The vacuum was immediately felt. At home, I waited for Julianne's children to come home from youth group. The house was too lonely. Julianne and Emmie played in the courtyard while I slept a bit. The house was felt empty. But finally exhaustion overcame me and I slept.


Morning brought nothing new. In fact, from early on, I felt nauseated. It continued throughout the day. Hans' office was off limits to me, I could not enter in without experiencing the full reality of his death. I am assuming that the saints have eased up on their prayers or that I am just going through the normal grieving cycle. I don't know. All I do know is that it is unbearable. This is what I asked Jesus to help me through, and He will. I think He wants me to know how bad it really is and how much He has been protecting me. 


My first call was to the Social Security Administration, who genuinely gave their condolences (only in America, by the way).

One of my favorite pictures of Hans.
Here he is in Mexico greeting the
brothers there. 

Later on, Patty wrote to me. She had a bad day also. Nauseated.  Why does grief and loss affect us like this? I learned this today: "Grief can actually depress the immune system; sorrow can cause constrictions in blood vessels decreasing blood flow to organs and cells. There are often cases of spouses who have lived many years together and who die within months of each other. The grief of the surviving spouse was so overwhelming as to have a catastrophic effect both body and spirit." From the book, "Healing In His Wings," by Anne Buchanan, Ph.D., M.H.


Benjamin suggested we all go out and try to make ourselves feel better. We wandered around like nomads. Nothing helped us quell the brewing storm.  We rested, we waited and the storm subsided. Day one has ended. Now only 7300 left to go.


Soon we must confront the Jesus of Is. 53 "He was...a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted." Even I know that Jesus must take me to the dark room if I am to call out to Him and be healed—there is healing in His wings.


But it sure ain't easy.