Thin threads

It has been some days now since I have not been in constant pain. Perhaps I am ending the mourning period in an unprecedented speed. Just like God to do that for me. His sparrows. I still have no joy however, but simple pleasures are beginning to return. I still spend an inordinate time online and watching movies or reading. My work suffers terribly. I work slowly on the taxes and pray that Uncle Sam understands grief with its highs and lows, no its lows and very lows.

There have been such odd things that have brought comfort to me in this period. I am beginning to think that I don't really know myself at all. I feel like I am in a straight jacket half the time and need to be spoon fed tiny bites of something called medicine. For example, yesterday I was reading about CS Lewis' life after his wife died. He never recovered from her loss. The author said that here was man that knew God and knew the ways of God and yet after her death, he never wrote again. He was effectively silenced and never again wrote another word. He also became an effective deist. I too have trouble trusting God now. I can't seem to muster up the faith walk again. He will have to carry me through until I can see the sunshine once again. I feel very much like the disciples on the road to Emmaus who were grief sticken, saying to the stranger who walked beside them, "We had hoped...."

It is a terrible moment when your hopes are lost. Hope is a priceless gift of salvation and for the first time I cannot see my future, nor could they. They were returning to the life they had known before. My problem is that I didn't have a life before that I can return too. But gladly, the disciples were not left in the dark, and rejoiced when  they recognized him in the breaking of the bread, which I hope soon, will happen to me.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have suspected I would end up on this barren island yet I am beginning to get used to the endless shores of what is before me. Nothing can separate me from the love of God, but it sure feels like the thread is very very thin.