I want to go on living my old life. I just want to resume what we were doing before Hans' dying. In this way, he continues to live, through me, and through the vision and the dream. Does that sound wrong? i know they say that you have to find a new normal, but is that right? Must everything change because of this? I can't bear more loss. . . I think I will go crazy if too many things change. Even throwing away stuff and de-cluttering feels like more loss.
Julianne says the only way she can cope is to talk about H. in the present tense. He likes this, likes that..etc., since he is alive, why not? If he is alive, shall I put back my wedding rings? But I don't want to deceive myself.The grief manual says that this stage is difficult and comes in three phases. First is denial, he's not dead! Did he really die? I can't believe it! It seems unreal. Part of this expecting the person to walk in the room, or come back like from a long trip. Or even to tell someone "its time for the joke to end." The second phase is beginning to believe that he really is dead. I fluctuate between these two. When I believe that he really is dead and never coming back then i completely fall apart. In this phase everything is a sad reminder of his demise. Lately his glasses and watch make me incredibly sad. I can't bear to see them. Pictures, always have the same effect-bad. I had a very bad meltdown on Tuesday afternoon. It was good to cry, although it didn't really "heal" me.
Julianne says the only way she can cope is to talk about H. in the present tense. He likes this, likes that..etc., since he is alive, why not? If he is alive, shall I put back my wedding rings? But I don't want to deceive myself.The grief manual says that this stage is difficult and comes in three phases. First is denial, he's not dead! Did he really die? I can't believe it! It seems unreal. Part of this expecting the person to walk in the room, or come back like from a long trip. Or even to tell someone "its time for the joke to end." The second phase is beginning to believe that he really is dead. I fluctuate between these two. When I believe that he really is dead and never coming back then i completely fall apart. In this phase everything is a sad reminder of his demise. Lately his glasses and watch make me incredibly sad. I can't bear to see them. Pictures, always have the same effect-bad. I had a very bad meltdown on Tuesday afternoon. It was good to cry, although it didn't really "heal" me.
But then there many many hours that I do not think of him at all if I am busy or writing. I always feel better with people around. While he was alive it was the other way around. I only wanted to be alone just the two of us. I find that grief does not make sense. Everything is out of kilter and there is no rhyme or reason to anything.
In watching Harry Potter this evening, Doby dies and Harry has to bury him. I found myself crying. Doby's last words were "Harry Potter." Last words? He's an elf, what do we expect?
Next week I am going to a "grief and loss" retreat in "Scottsdale Az. By the way, I didn't have to show my passport anywhere. BTW Just discovering the beauty of Arizona. It is filled with all kinds of natural wonders. I need natural wonders right now...I am in need of anything beautiful.
Quite frankly, I feel like a woman with a bramble bush in her hair. It's messy and pokey and not very attractive. I don't blame anyone for staying away. One day up the next down. One day sane and energetic, the next day sad and faithless. I am continuing to learn however, new books came in the mail this week. I wonder what God is up to.
Quite frankly, I feel like a woman with a bramble bush in her hair. It's messy and pokey and not very attractive. I don't blame anyone for staying away. One day up the next down. One day sane and energetic, the next day sad and faithless. I am continuing to learn however, new books came in the mail this week. I wonder what God is up to.
Judy thanks for sharing you heart - I am so sad you are so sad! Wished you could come and visit! Marina
ReplyDeleteWow,thanks for the link back. I kept going to the oxen one and thought you had decided to take a trip to Anartica or something!! Really I thought you had left town for a break. I will catch up with all your entries. We are up the hill in Ruidoso. Everyone one here (ladies in my church) have read your blog and are with you in spirit.
ReplyDeleteRemember the song: " Don't change a hair for me, not if you care for me". You don't have to do anything or make any changes until you want to. Put that wedding ring on and wear it as long as you like. Even forever. You don't have to change yourself just because the other is not here on earth.
I still dream a dream occasionally that Larry's Dad, Jack, walks through the door with his suitcase. He actually died over thirty years ago. He always says he has been gone on a business trip.
We want to visit when we return to E P later this month.