Yesterday was the most terrible of all the days so far. I don't know why or what triggered it. I sympathized with the "fish out of water" thing. That's how I felt—thrashing for air. Jules suggested I see myself as a pioneer woman who lost her husband on the wagon train. No room for self pity. You had to keep going. I asked her if we had guns. She said, "Of course!" I said, "Gimme one. I'm going to blow out my brains." She didn't look pleased. Later on I watched 6 episodes of Jerry Seinfeld and I didn't laugh once. That's serious.
My insanity is over now and life has resumed back to "normal." Normal for me means I can work, read, laugh, and think about the future with hope and excitement. Yesterday, everything caused heartache. Is grief a chemical thing? Who knows. I hope to get some answers from the Grief and Loss Seminar I am attending this weekend. I am going back to Scottsdale where some "experts" are helping people who need this kind of help. If real grief is like yesterday then we dozen of these kinds of clinics.
Today I tried setting up the pool for the kids. It was pitiful. But I am not giving up. I will wrestle with the instructions, opening sealed boxes and spreading out the rubber flooring. I don't like this part of widowhood. It's too hard and it makes me think a nice condo would be better than a house or a ranch. I need to learn to get the older kids involved.
The air conditioner problem is fixed in the back apartment. A simple suggestion solved two years worth of struggles. Wrap the down draft! Wow. Nice cold air.
I am in fog these days and so my posts are dismal. It is representative of where I live these days. My usual colorful mind is asleep and doesn't want to wake up. I think it is a form of dissociation..? Nothing but God brings comfort.
Come fall and winter, come soon.
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