Hands

I am here at a Loss and Grief Seminar in Scottsdale AZ. There are varied internal reactions within. I only trust abut half of them. I have come to the place where I know that I am human and not everything I call myself is under my own control. Things happen to people. We wish they didn't, but they do. We don't mind it when they are pleasant surprises, but negative heart breaking things are not friends and yet they happen to us anyway. What occurred to me this morning, is that there are many things going on in grieving, mourning, etc., whatever you want to call it. The breaking of attachments, soul ties untying, role redefinition and a bunch of other things which are all unnerving. But I guess the only way to describe the final outcome is trauma. It leaves a mark on you forever and we will never be the same. More than anything,  it means  our worldview is changed and in so many directions at once that we suffer an internal destabilization that we call grief.

One visceral reaction I had this morning was when we were called to place our beloved's picture on a table. I just couldn't place his picture up there. All the photos were of people who had died. I was not able to let go of him as "living." To me he still lives, though not with me. It took 8 hours for me to finally relinquish one picture to the mound. I knew that this was an exceedingly important moment in my healing process. I guess I finally admitted it. But it is a realization that only stays a moment and then leaves me. To me he is alive for it is still unbearable to not think so.

Reality knocks. We grow soberminded and realize that we realize something new. A place. A new truth. Life knocks something out of you, and something new comes to you. I don't know if I will ever be the same again and so I have to ask myself, what and who am I now? What does it mean to be me? I can't go back anymore to the old place, I am catapulted into some other place.

I think the reason why the picture on the left is so comforting is because visually we are still connected. I see and can almost feel his hand holding mine. I wish it were flesh and blood but it's not anymore. Now bonds which were made in the heavens are all I have. And it is a lot. I am sure of that. This hand will carry me through the rough times ahead as I make this journey of self discovery.

I also love this picture. I think that Hans will look like this when we see each other again. I will recognize his hands immediately. They were so important to me. Hands say so much about a human being. I am beginning to heal or grow some how. 


Blessings to you in El Paso. What does the Lord have in store for our city in 2011/12?