Endings

It has been some days since I posted. Mostly because I have been flatlining in my emotional life. I have had neither bad days nor good ones. Though I am absorbed by finishing taxes and an endless supply of movies, my head has been clear of thoughts, heart freed from anguish. Yet my questions remain. I am only trodding now, hoping that putting one foot in front of another will lead me to where I want to go. Which is I don't know where. I wish we had a beach or an ocean or something cosmically grand to look upon. I am unable to see the big picture right now and I am sure that is what I lack. The other word of note is that I hear nothing from God, but the silence of the leaves falling outside my window as the wind does spring cleaning again and again. Even my flowers have died. The desert heat is too harsh for the tender flowers. But the pain is gone. I am not looking at pictures anymore. It is less painful than to remember. I am grateful to the a/c man that he solved a mystery to which Hans and I worked frantically to solve and never did. Sometimes only an expert can handle these things. Our knowledge is limited. I apply this principle to the mysterious ending of my life with Hans.