"It's the little things that count!"

Received a card from Hospice today, again sending their condolences along with a message of hope and instruction regarding grief. I was surprised at some of the things they listed. The obvious are sadness, anger, guilt, relief, but others are emancipation, yearning, anxiety, shock, fatigue, loneliness and helplessness. Even the body reacts to loss in hollowness in the stomach, tightness in throat, oversensitivity to noise, shortness of breath, weakness in muscles, dry mouth, sleep disturbances, crying and headaches. Sometimes I experience one, sometimes all. 

As I reflect on the state of our family today, I see that all of us are pretty destroyed by Hans' loss. He was so so important to us, to me, his wife, especially his daughters but also his sons. Frankly we are all devastated by his loss. He was just SO important to us. He was, as I have said, bedrock. And it does feel like the floor has been pulled out from beneath you and suddenly you find yourself on the floor wondering what happened! But because of his faithfulness, I think I often took Hans for granted. It wasn't like he was the center of our lives, or that all of life revolved around him in some narcissistic way, it was that we were secure in his presence and his ability to keep us from harm.  It never occurred to me that he would not be here. Unthinkable. Although we joked about it often. I would say, "What do I do about this when you're gone?" But that wasn't a serious question. He was a foundations guy, he would always be with us.


I think of a lot of really good husbands get taken for granted. A sort of "Dad will always be there..." And they tend to get marginalized in the fracas of life. Especially when the Dads are quiet and uninvolved. We think they are not involved, but nothing could be further from the truth. Dad's "Presence" is involved in a way that makes everyone brave enough to launch forward in new ventures and ideas. Dad's presence is not like Mom's. These are so totally different that their importance can be overlooked. But just ask a single mother what it's like, they feel the absence of weight (presence) every day. 

I was thinking that Hans' presence was very much like Jesus presence, someone who is always there for us. It's the same kind of security. And we just assume that Jesus will always be there. But the Scripture says to seek Him while He may be found. There will be a time when He can no longer be found. I know what that feels like first hand. But another thing even more potent is this issue of taking Him for granted.We can live with Jesus in the background while we run around and live our lives without him.


If I have any regrets it is that I didn't do enough for Hans. I was too busy, consumed with pulling the barge of ministry. Both of us were so fully engaged in it that we ignored the smaller less obvious things in life. I would have paid more attention to him. But I am struck with how similar this is to my relationship with Jesus. I need to talk more, think more about what Jesus wants and less of my own needs. Sometimes we are so consumed with the issues of life that we ignore Him—because He will always be there.  

I remember one time, I looked at his key ring. It was just a bunch of old keys on a string.  I remember thinking, "These keys are pitiful."  That day I went to the bookstore and bought him a beautiful key ring.   He was genuinely pleased with the gift and was so proud of his new key ring. Of course, later one, he lost his keys. But hey, the point was that a lot of our life was like that—no time for anything personal—our minds on the work of God and on his people. Of course I do not regret our service, that's the eternal stuff of which only God knows and rewards.  But it is a point of regret here, because these are the ways that we show we love a person. The small things count.


And I wonder if we need to rethink the hundreds of small things we can do for Jesus. He says that when "you do these things for the least of these my brethren, you do them unto me." This does not refer to the general poor of the earth, it refers to the poor of the Kingdom, the least in the kingdom, the humble ones, the meek. The ones that are overlooked in the kingdom, because they are not the talented, beautiful princes that everyone follows and wants to befriend.  The "least" are the "little ones" who angels always face the Lord.  

There were hundreds of things I could have done for Hans that I didn't do. I regret those things so much. Not exactly guilt, but love in retrospect. I wonder if we all don't take our relationships for granted? The one thing I did do in the last year of his life, I made sure not to ask him to move any furniture for me. Although we did move a lot of stuff!  I gave him hours of uninterrupted time to study and write. I gave him some really great meals and trips to the outback. But most of all, hours and hours of uninterrupted time to read his beloved bible and to pray. And I gave him a beautiful pair of boots which he wore all the time to please me. See...the small things count. It was a small act but it made me so happy. I wonder if we can do more for Jesus like this? For our lives really are to revolve around Him and we must not take Him for granted and sadly I think we so often do.