A few day ago the pain was so bad (Monday) that I laid in bed and said to myself, "I think the foreskin of my heart has been circumcised. It felt cut up, sawed off, as if a butcher surgeon had hacked off several pieces of it and just for fun. Grief. Good grief! Today I feel better, but I have removed most of H's pictures from the walls, stay away from old familiar haunts, do not listen to his voice on the recorded lectures, no pictures on my facebook, etc., it seems to help. I need to be in new surroundings so that I am not triggered by everything...but I cannot get away from my future. . . where Hans lived so poignantly...where the promises of God are held and nourish my dreadful soul. How can I separate these two realities? I am mostly triggered by introducing myself, "My name is J---Weerstra." All that it implies is before my eyes...
Soon a year will have come and gone and I can't believe I have actually existed this long without seeing Hans or talking to him or seeing him go through the house to get a cup of tea. Will it ever get easier? I dream of new beginnings constantly but they disintegrate by nightfall, when I am the weakest. Well, its only been seven months...
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