March 26, 2011
And what of the Lord? After a 34 year relationship with Him what do I say? I have a hard time keeping the persons of the Trinity in unity anymore. Of course that's a faulty perception of the Trinity, as if they were one person. They are not, they are three, yet they are one in purpose, one in love, one in their perfections and attributes. But they do have different roles and functions in the redemptive drama that is unfolding on earth. So even though Jesus has been my redeemer, I don't perceive Him mainly as Savior anymore. Yes, He rescued me, released me from the bondages of sin, opened my eyes from the absolute darkness and paved the way to the Father's fellowship, but I haven't known Him like that for years.
For me He is the man just ahead of me on the rocky climb up Mt. Zion. He is always a man on the move. Though He is dressed like a shepherd—He is determined to lead me into dangerous and uncomfortable places... convincing me that I can do it. How does He convince me? With the radiance of His smile and personality. I WANT TO FOLLOW THIS MAN. He alone is worthy, He is exciting, He is thrilling, He is truth. He is every delightful mortal man I have ever known all rolled up into one. I am in love and that love draws me to Him and through the underbrush of life. When He disappears too far up ahead of me, I am scared and shadows loom over my life. I stop walking and like a child I remain paralyzed, desperately trying to remember His smile, His gentle coaxing words. But in fact, I am alone on the mountain side and there is no way down and there is no "mama" to comfort me.
But I am not alone for a gentle unseen voice reminds me that the Shepherd is aware of precisely where I am. I take a hidden pleasure in the fact that I am in His mind now more than ever. That somehow my circumstances have propelled me to the forefront of His mind. When I finally arrive at the fork in the road, I see Him. He does not greet me like a parent would. He just resumes His walk. He never makes me feel like a child... but like a growing mature teenager that wants to be validated as an adult. Only then do I realize that the next step requires that I go underwater and I am terrified of drowning. He goes in without saying a word.
God, I have been here at the water's edge so many times. The savior has gone on and has left me alone with my fears. There is no where to go. Only a nudge from that invisible presence that says, "Hurry...." My thoughts are not of His radiant smile, but of the water. How long can I hold my breath? Will I sink to the caverns below? Will I be lost forever in some unknown moment of terror? I am not careless with my life, I want to save it. It feels like Jesus is careless with it... how can He be so callous, doesn't He know that I am terrified? Lose my life or save it? This is the moment when I ratify my part of the covenant, my part of the marriage vow as the bride of Christ. I must obey. I must obey because I love, I have given myself to Him. I have no other choice really. I can return and be lost forever in the thickets of life, losing my grip on reality as I tumble down Mt. Zion, or go on, remembering that He loves me, that He knows what He is doing.
This is the essence of my relationship with him...His call, my obedience. I do not know Him as King, try as I might. He is simply not that to me. Later on, in the secret currents of the dark waters, He will teach me how to swim and breathe under water revealing the mysteries of the oceans. Wisdom. I am free from fear, I am free. In a true new age reality, I am one with the creatures of the depths. And then suddenly, we are back on dry land and He has walked on ahead. I am not going this time. I am staying behind to dry my hair, eat some cheetos and drink a margarita. Maybe two.
I don't know where He went and I don't care. I am full of life and having fun with my friends, only vaguely aware that He has gone on. Oh the horrors of the flesh...and of the world....soon I will become bored and go looking for Him. He laughs out loud when I find him, my face flushed with shame. "If you drink of those waters you will thirst again.." He is so confident in the process. He is not afraid of losing me, nor I Him. We are a couple and we are in love.
But here today, I am at the edge of the waters again. I am afraid. The man God gave me lingers on the threshold between life and death. How can He not know this? He is, after all, just ahead of us on the mountain, beckoning us with that irritating toxic-to-the-flesh smile. This time I cannot go. I am confused. I am paralyzed because He has not warned me, He has not held my hand through this, He has not given me a consent form to sign. He just does it, with or without my permission. Because He is King perhaps? No, I just totally reject that Calvinistic heresy. It is because He is the Shepherd and He knows that we need a bath, and He will take us around the curve and cut our nails, remove the matted hair from our frame and set us on the road again. I believe this with my whole heart. My tears are captured in a cup somewhere in heaven, and they will be the diamonds in my ears at the marriage feast.
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