The Long Winter

Well it has been a long cold winter for me, just coming through another loss of sorts. Daughter Julianne and kids rejoined her husband in a nice home near the school. I took the time to spread out my wings (and furniture) throughout the spacious place. I have five desks and am constantly running between them. My work is all over the place where I used to be in two little rooms earlier. But these are all inanimate objects that keep me busy, the real story is just below the surface. How am I doing? Well...I just don't know. I am still as confused as ever about my life and the direction it's taking. I know there is movement, because every morning I put one foot in front of the other. But spring has not arrived, spiritually speaking, and I wonder if I will ever get out of the cocoon of my sheltered life. I feel frozen most of the time, unsure whether to go left or right. It's a debilitating season. My wings have been clipped and I cannot even go from tree to tree anymore. My groom still lies in the upper valley and I only make it up there every two weeks. I change the flowers/decoration every season and soon I will have to have a room just for them. So I don't think this is working out well. Surely there is a better plan. Plus the expense of buying decoration is increasing. I know Hans would rather I buy food. I spent three days in the dark last week, the electricity was turned off. Oddly enough it was an enlightening time for me. I was quite happy inspite of the terrible inconvenience of not having heat or light in the evening. Most of the day was spent traveling around in my car charging my phone. Simplicity is the goal or at least one of the goals. I spent half of my life building my nest and the second half taking it down. Where is the sense in that?

Todays meditation is about living a life in harmony and balance. Many of us can suffer from wanting too much. I think I fall into this camp. Last night at Jume's, the lectio was from Mark 3. The story of Jesus' family coming to rescue him thinking that he had lost his mind. The story begins with the statement, "There were so many people surrounding him that he didn't even have a place or time to eat." Jesus' family is coming to claim "custody" over him and take him home.  But Jesus has this startling thing to say when he is told that they are outside looking for him. He virtually denies knowing them. Instead he looks at the ragtag group surrounding him and says "You are my family." I take it to mean that he is saying, "My loyalties are to you." Clarifying he says, "Whoever does the will of the Father is my brother, mother, etc.," I pondered this and wondered what were these simple folks doing that qualified them as "doing the will of the God?" I long to do the will of God as well. In fact, I am simply feverish about it. So...these people were doing it. Sitting around His feet. That is the simple answer. I know this sounds ridiculously corny, but this is what is revealed. This is God's will. But I want to do...and I suppose there is a time in which we will be "sent out." But first we must sit at his feet.

I keep thinking about the warning that the OT gives against false prophets. It says, that "those evil men who prophesy in my name, did not even bother to darken my counsels, did not stand in My chamber—did not receive My word for My people." I suppose this is what it means to first sit at his feet. And I believe it is possible to want too much, if we can't even sit at his feet and listen to him. All who went —first sat.

The reading for today from the online retreat from Creighton asked the question, "Who do you admire?" "Who is your model for living a life in balance and harmony." A life that is free—free from the desire to be famous, successful, materially rich, sensuously blessed, etc., It took me a long time to find three people who I admire and who I want to emulate. But I finally found them. First there was Martin Luther, Thomas Merton and Henri Nouwen. They all had something in common, or threads of my life showed up in theirs. These are the qualities I admire: long hours of dedicated study, good scholarship, pondering over the hidden meanings of the Bible, the hidden manna or wisdom. 2) long hours of dedicated prayer and communion with God. 3) The ability to write, teach and preach. These are the things to which I want to dedicate the rest of my life. Emulation precedes imitation they say. I also think that these people had the courage to say what they thought. I tend to couch my language in terms that are culturally relevant to people and politically correct. At least in the sense that they won't stumble over them. But this often has the effect of blunting the prophetic edge in them.

I wonder, what else can be lost, if I do this, just give myself over to this endeavor. What is the cost of this life? My mentor says, that we must be willing to give up all things that do not lend themselves to the end for which we were created. And conversely to use all things toward that end if needed. That is a good paradigm for living, although it doesn't sound very balanced does it?

Last night I saw some new faces...emerging leaders and young adults. It shows the cycle of life in process and for that I am grateful.