Vanity, vanity, all things are vanity.

Dr. Wright says the basis of all loss (ergo-grief) is attachment. As I read that it highlights for me my attachment to Hans. This is another wonderful part of grief—the unveiling at how deep our feelings (attachments) are. I actually didn't think I was that attached to him. So it comes at a surprise and at a time when you can do nothing about it. But had I known, perhaps pride would not have kept my lips as sealed, but humbling myself I could have let outflowing love surround him. But instead I kept it in a reservoir marked "honeymoon" though we often talked about "those days" when we were embarrassingly free and bold. I am reminded of Fiddler on the Roof when Tevia's wife asks him, "Do you love me?" He says "Do I love you?" And then goes on to say a thousand things, but never quite says yes.

But attachment is a loaded word for me, for I am steeped in the theology of St. John of the Cross and I believe in the validity of a holy detachment from not only the things of earth but the things of the Spirit. And so I ponder. . . the whole notion of attachment. Part of my training has been in the theory of human development and the inherent quest for attachment. It is the unformed soul searching for God. At first our attachments are toward ma and then da and then siblings, peers and back then again toward the "one." These attachments form our concept of self. Then Christ comes and rips them all apart, reordering our "loves" as St. Bernard says. We love too much actually. And how does that fit in with Jesus making us "one" in marriage. If so, then why can't he undo that in death? And why does he hate divorce? What is really going on? We are not Buddhists holding ourselves from any attachments. For us, they are grist of real life...giving ourselves for others...but then loss becomes a way of life for us. I, perhaps, am too Greek. Hans always accused me of this. . .I want freedom from feeling anything which causes me pain and suffering. . . Wright says, any attachment will cause loss if removed. Even my old memories cause me pain. I remember traveling up Highway 28 on a motorcycle. . . the land was empty of homes back then. The ride was wild and full of adventure  in  1974. But those happy days of youth are over.    I miss them, I mourn them and I have a million more pictures I could show you. It is the good things which cause us pain as well as the negative ones.

This is where it helpful to know your theology. These losses are designed to turn us back to God. . . so we don't find ourselves partying up until the end and then "surprise"! find ourselves staring at the face of an angry God. But I am tempted to detach from all things, which is clearly impossible. My recent camping  trip revealed that I am very attached to order, cleanliness, make-up, fresh clothes, fresh scents devoid of skunk odors, clean nails and hands....and  the older I get the worse I get at attaching to my creaturely comforts. Soon I will lose my sense of taste, sense of smell, my vision, my hearing, my hair, the spring in my step, my loved ones, my "ministry" and a thousand other things that define my life. How will I cope then?

I am very bleak today, but I am processing the meaning of life, again. And again. And who is this God who walks beside us by fire and cloud?